Battleship (2012)

Content by Tony Macklin. Originally published on May 21, 2012 @ tonymacklin.net.

Someone told me I'd have to suspend my disbelief when I saw Battleship.

Not true. After a while you have no brain left with which to disbelieve.

Battleship is a loud lobotomy.

Based loosely - slackly - on the board game, Battleship is a raucous cruise into Whack-a-Mole.

The plot - who cares?

The writers? Battleship has no writers.

The aliens are not memorable. They have to be patently forgettable, otherwise they'd upstage our forgettable "Heroes."

The figures - I can't use the word "actors" or "performers" - are mere pegs in a hapless game.

Taylor Kitsch had charisma as Riggins in tv's Friday Night Lights. He's left it all back in Texas. In Battleship, Taylor is true to his last name - as the impetuous hero, he's kitschy.

Alexander Skarsgard - voted several times the "sexiest man in Sweden" - came all the way from Sweden to lose his charisma aboard Battleship.

Brooklyn Decker - I have a bridge and an acting certificate to sell you.

Rihanna - that hat may set a trend in faux fashion. Nautical wear for any explosion.

Liam Neesom is a fine actor - I swear he is. See him in any other flick. This one games him. Fortunately he only takes a quick dip this time out.

Peter Berg directs this chowder with lots of crunchy shells. Berg takes up where Michael Bay left off, so there's no way left for him to go, except down the drain.

I suppose Battleship might float as an old-time Saturday afternoon serial, but as a feature film, it's just an overload of noise and nonsense.