Ted (2012)
Content by Tony Macklin. Originally published on July 2, 2012 @ tonymacklin.net.
I'm taking over for Macklin - he can't handle the truth about bears.
But I can. I'm a bear named Teddy. I live with Tony and his honeypot Judy. They named me - clever name, huh?
So this review of Ted is a peer review. Also, since Ted is a movie for the masses - at least the party animals -, I decided to take over. Macklin, with his lah-de-dah attitude, wouldn't get it. Ted don't need no stinkin' critic.
Macklin won't write industry-friendly quotes. But I will - "Ted knocked the stuffing out of me."
Eat your heart out, Hammond.
Teddy bears have come a long way since the lame ending of Sleepless in Seattle (1993). Screw Howard.
Ted isn't a teddy bear's picnic. It's a raunchy blast.
Ted is co-written, directed, and the title character is given voice by perpetual adolescent Seth MacFarlane. I love him.
Macklin probably would gas about too many "flatulent" jokes. But we know that there's no such thing as too many fart jokes.
MacFarlane also realizes that bears have active libidos. I can vouch for that.
The story of the movie is about the friendship that begins with an eight-year old boy John (Bretton Manley) and his Christmas gift, a bear named Ted. John makes a wish, and Ted comes to life.
35-year old John (Marky Mark) and Ted are best friends - "thunder buddies for life." But John's girl friend Lori (Mila Kunis) tells him he has to grow up, and Ted has to move out to his own apartment. This results in major problems.
Marky Mark plays John. He brawls, smokes, and has a ball with his furry friend.
Ted is liberating for us bears. Mila, I've got something for your Kunis.
Ted is one of those rare movies that don't give it all away in the previews. Ted's randy sex mime to the female clerk (Jessica Barth) does not end where the preview on tv suggests it does. It is raunchier.
"That's where we'll draw the line," says Ted. There's one line on tv, another in the theater. Ted, you da bear.
Teddy bears go back to Teddy Roosevelt. Roosevelt was portrayed in a cartoon with a bear because of a hunting incident where he saved a bear, then had it "mercy killed." Remember he was a Republican.
But MacFarlane understands us.
Now where the hell are you, Goldilocks?
I've got some porridge for you.
